Seriously, if you're going to bash me don't read it. I'm just venting and getting this out of my system

So...... My boyfriend and I have decided "it's time" and now we're just waiting for the opportune moment. I have been on "THE PILL" and we have condoms at the ready but I'm so nervous. The last time I had sex it was not consentual nor was it enjoyable. At first we decided we were going to let what ever happened happen, but I changed my mind, and now I'm ready. He's BEEN ready, for awhile.... a while, a while. I know things about my boyfriend no girl should ever know. My life has been flipped upside down, in a good way, every since we started dating. I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust him. He's been so sweet to me and has never judged me for anthing. He lets me be me. I love him, but I'm so afraid, I'm afriad to trust him enough to give myself over but at the same time I'm ready... I just don't know....